I Swear
by remie.lovely
Summary: Story Three in the Take My Hand Series. While Ginny and Draco's daughter deals with the fate given to her by birth, Ginny and Draco deal with accepting the life fate has given them.
1. September Fire

**I Swear**

**Chapter One: September Fire**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own the song in italics. It is If I Die Young by The Band Perry.**

**Sorry for any mistakes, I hope that they aren't too bad.**

_If I die young, bury me in satin_

_Lay me down on a bed of roses_

_Sink me in the river, at dawn_

_Send me away with the words of a love song_

My head is pounding as my alarm blares next to my bead. I silence it quickly and cringe as my muscles protest. I would like nothing more than to go back to sleep but I can't. I'm drenched in a cold sweat.

"Lennix?" I hear my mother outside of my door. If she comes inside, she'll know something is amiss. If they know, then I won't be allowed to return to school.

"I'll be down for breakfast in a minute, I promise." I yell hoping she'll move on to wake my brothers. I breathe a sigh of relief when her footsteps move along down the hallway.

I strip my bed and toss my bedding into the hamper. Our housekeeper Laurel will take care of it when she comes in on Monday.

As quickly as I possibly can, I take a shower. I feel slightly better when I step out and throw on some clothes. Now I just have to convince two trained healers that I am well enough to return to school.

By the time I join my family at the table, I am the last one there. My brothers are almost finished with their breakfast. They are anxious to return to school. We all are.

"Good Morning everyone" I smile cheerily as I take my place next to my twin.

"Did you take a shower?" Lucas asks as he looks up from his plate at me.

"Yes"

"But didn't you…?" I kick him under the table and he shuts up. He knows I am hiding something, but knows better than to sell me out.

"Is everyone all packed up for school?" My father looks up from his paper unaware of the silent exchange Lucas and I have just shared. He pauses when his eyes land on me. "Everything alright, Nix?"

"Of course, I'm packed and ready; fifth years a big deal." I smile.

"If you say so" He looks skeptical. If anyone is going to see through the smile it will be him.

I eat quickly, relieved when we arrive at the train station without any problems.

Our big family is waiting on the platform for us.

Uncle Fred is waiting with Aunt Luna. They've been married for nearly eleven years now. And have two children together not including Fred's seventeen year old daughter Amanda. She's the head girl this year; which is amazing considering she managed to inherit her father's love of pranks. The two younger children; ten year old daughter Tali, and eight year old son Gale hug their sister and look sad saying goodbye.

Blaise and Pansy Zambini are with their three children. Tristan is the head boy this year. Their daughter Sarah just turned twelve. It was quite a shock to them when she ended up being in Ravenclaw. Then there is nine year old Lauren. She is dancing around her family as her father follows her with his eyes.

Uncle Ron and Hermione are both preparing their middle child, Rose, for her first year at Hogwarts. Their son Gregory is only a year older than me. I can see him nodding repeatedly at what his parents are saying. In his arms is the baby of their family, seven year old Hayley.

My brother Logan walks over to the Potter family and greats their oldest son, fifteen year old James. They are both in Slytherin and close even though Logan is a year older. Like Ron and Hermione, Azlyn and Harry's middle child, Lily is heading off to her first year at Hogwarts. Harry has his hand wrapped around the hand of their youngest girl, Rory.

I make a point of walking over to my Uncle Bill and Aunt Fleur's family. Their daughter Temperance and I are the same age and we are both in Gryffindor together. Two years younger than Temperance is her sister Aston. Then there is ten year old Isabel.

Uncle George and his wife Katherine are standing near my uncle Fred. Their oldest son Christopher is only twelve and in his second year. Then they have two girls; Ten year old Riley and five year old Margaret.

Together we are a huge crowd. Even larger when we are with our grandparents and the one cousin I have who has already finishes Hogwarts. Clarissa is twenty one and has followed her father into the dragon taming business. She is the only child of Uncle Charlie and his wife Anna.

After what feels like one million goodbyes, the thirteen of us heading to Hogwarts all board the train together. Quickly we all fall off into our own groups. Amanda, Gregory, Christopher, and Rose all go off together. Logan heads off with Tristan, James, Sarah and Lily. Then there is Lucas, Temperance, Aston, and me.

I doze off for most of the ride to school. My head has resumed pounding and I'm sure I look awful when the train arrives in Hogsmeade. As soon as I step off the train I manage to lose my footing and almost run right into James Potter.

"Watch where you're going" He snaps before turning to realize it's me. My brother who is standing next to him looks concerned.

"You okay Lennix?" He questions right as Lucas manages to come through the crowd next to us.

"I'm fine, just tripped over some first year. Too bad I couldn't actually knock you over Potter." It's well known that James and I don't like each other.

"One day the two of you will admit you're in love." Amanda smirks.

"Hell will freeze over before a Potter and a Malfoy ever get together." James snickers.

"People said the same thing about a Malfoy and a Weasley and yet…" Temperance laughs as we all begin making our way to the carriages.

"Our parents are the exception to the rule." Lucas places and arm around my shoulders as we walk. "They are the Romeo and Juliet of the magical world."

"Who the bloody hell are Romeo and Juliet?" Logan looks at Lucas like he has grown a second head.

"It's a muggle love story with a tragic ending." Temperance explains.

"You, my dear brother, are the weird one of the family." I smile up at him. He is nearly four inches taller than me even though we are twins.

"Somebody has to be the strange one." He laughs.

It is strange to see people we saw hours ago sitting at the table of professors. Hermione is the transfiguration professor now that McGonagall is the headmistress. Azlyn teaches defense against the dark arts. Blaise teaches potions and Luna teaches charms.

Both Rose and Lily are sorted into Gryffindor. I peak across the great hall and notice that regardless James looks extremely proud of his sister. He may be an asshole but at least he loves his family.

I am exhausted as I make my way to the private room my father's money pays for. That's what people think anyway. They believe my father is the reason I have my own private rooms. They believe both of my brothers opted to be in the dorms but I wanted to be on my own. It's why Temperance is my only friend. My own house believes that I am stuck up. They all believe I think I am too good for them.

It's not the truth. And as I step into my bathroom and the charms that hide what is fall away; the truth stares me in the face again. The red hair and silver eyes that the rest of the world sees, that all of my cousins see are replaced with haunting blue. The intricate design that swirls across my skin, reminds me of the curse of my mother.

It reminds me of the tragedy she has endured. And the tragedy that is less than a year away now. My body is tired. I won't see sixteen. My aunts and uncles know. My grandparents know. My brothers know. The headmistress knows. But no one else knows anything.

I am dying. And there is nothing that will stop it. The counter curse does nothing for me. Every remedy they have tried has done nothing.

I won't ever fall in love.

I won't ever be a mother.

I won't ever finish school.

I've accepted my fate. My parent's haven't. My brothers refuse to even talk about the fact I am fighting a losing battle.

Life isn't fair. In fact it is downright cruel. But there is nothing I can do to change it.

I spend a long time staring at my reflection before getting ready for bed. I am glad that tomorrow is Saturday. I have all weekend to gather my strength for school. I am determined to finish at least the first half of the year.

As soon as my head hits the pillow, I am asleep.

_The forest is dark. I'm chasing someone. A girl runs ahead of me. _

_Suddenly we break into a clearing, and she stops suddenly facing away from me. I walk slowly towards her and tap her on the shoulder. My breath catches as she turns around._

_It's my mother. But it's not. She looks like her. But she is much younger. She must be close to my age. _

_It feels like an eternity that we stand there just staring at each other. _

"_Accepting your fate is a coward's way out." She mocks. Her voice isn't right. It doesn't match with the person I am looking at._

"_I don't have much of a choice now do I ?" _

"_You're just giving up."_

"_They've tried everything"_

"_But what have you done?"_

"_What am I supposed to do?" I am confused but she doesn't answer me. Instead she begins to fade away._

"_Come back!" I yell into nothingness. "What am I supposed to do?"_

_But she is gone._

Morning comes sooner than I would like. I try to fall back asleep but can't. Once again sweat sticks to my skin. I feel gross. At least I can use magic to clean my bedding.

I take a long shower. The water is running cold by the time I turn it off. And it is nearly noon by the time I head down to the great hall. I'm not very hungry but I know it's the sickness. I have to eat to have any strength.

I drop into a seat next to Lucas. He gives me a concerned look and I know later he will say something.

As I eat I feel as if I am being watched. I turn around and lock eyes with Chance Henderson. The look on his face makes me uneasy. His expression is that of a lion as it watches its prey. I force myself to turn around but not before I notice that James is looking at Chance. They are both in Slytherin, Chance is seventh year.

After lunch I head out by the lake to enjoy the very last of the mildly warm weather. I am sitting by the lake when both of my brothers join me.

"Tell me that Lucas is insane." Logan demands as he sits in the grass on one side of me and Lucas on the other.

"Well…" I joke. I know what he really means but I can't help myself.

"Lennix" Lucas warns. "I know you've been getting sicker lately. But I'm beginning to think it is worse than we know. Should you have even come back this year?"

"I'm fine. I'm tired, but fine. I've just been having weird dreams."

"What kind of weird dreams?" Logan presses.

"I chase this girl through the woods who turns out to be mom but not mom. She keeps telling me that I am a coward who has done nothing to change her fate, but won't tell me what I am supposed to do."

"That is weird." Lucas tosses a rock into the lake. "Are you sure that's all?"

"Yes, I'm positive."

They leave it alone, and the school year begins uneventfully. The dreams continue. The pain continues. The exhaustion grows. I spend almost all of my weekends sleeping and catching up on the work I am falling behind on.

When the first Hogsmeade weekend arrives at the beginning of October, I opt to stay behind. I am walking aimlessly through the halls when I turn and bump into someone.

"Little Miss Malfoy, just the person I was hoping to run into today." Chance Henderson's voice makes my skin crawl.

"Leave me alone Henderson." I turn away and try to leave but he grabs my arm.

"I don't think so, little girl." He grabs my arm. My heart begins to pound. And with a pounding heart I begin to become light headed; of all the times for my failing health to screw me over. "You see, darling, I've been watching you for a couple years now. You've become quite the beautiful thing and I you and I need to be dating."

"That isn't going to happen." I try to yank my arm away but he tightens his grip and I flinch. "You're hurting me."

"It wasn't a question, you see, I know things. Like I know how Travis Bickman really died." He smirks.

"The whole world knows my mother killed him during the final battle. He was a causality of war. It's not like he didn't deserve it, sick bastard. So, I'm not sure how you think that is going to change my mind." I keep trying to pull away but his grip just gets tighter and tighter. I am now positive that there will be bruises where his fingers are.

"He was unarmed when your mother killed him. It would be a shame it that got out. She would go to trial and then off to Azkaban for murder." He laughs. I'd kill for someone to show up at this point but we are in a part of the castle most of the younger students never go. And almost all of the older students are out of the castle

"Prove it." My vision is beginning to blur. If I pass out I am afraid of what will happen. "No one will ever send her to Azkaban for it."

"But the trial will ruin her. She'll lose her Healers Certification. She'll be shunned. Your family will become a spectacle. Do you really want to put your family through that?" I hear footsteps coming towards us and it takes all my control to not breathe a sigh of relief. "Think about it." He lets go of me and hurries away.

My knees give out immediately and I fall to the floor leaning against the wall.

"Lennix?" James Potter's voice makes me look up at him. "Bloody hell, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, why?"

"You're as pale as the ghosts." He sits on the floor next to me.

"That's probably the nicest thing you have ever said to me." I deadpan. I push myself up to stand. But the dizziness washes over me and I lose my balance. James catches me before I hit the ground. "Perhaps I am a little dizzy."

"Should I take you to the hospital wing?" He looks concerned and unsure of himself.

"No, I should have eaten this morning, that's all." I lean my head against the wall and take a deep breath. Slowly I begin to feel better again. "I'm absolutely fine." I want to tell him to go away but I can't. He is my security right now. With him sitting next to me, I am safe.

"If you're sure" He begins to stand but I grab his arm in a panic. "What Lennix?" He is annoyed by the gesture. We are back to this. I can take it. I just can't take being alone right now.

"Could you give me a hand? I'd like to make it back to my room before my brothers find me and overreact." I silently pray he will help me. I know he isn't heartless.

"Fine" He rolls his eyes at me but helps me up anyway. Together we begin walking towards my room.

"Why aren't you in Hogsmeade?" I ask to break the silence.

"Lily needed help with her potions homework." I knew he had a heart.

It takes me twice as long as it usually does to climb the stairs and I have to stop and catch my breath at the top.

"A bit out of shape, are we?" James smirks and I glare at him. "Can I ask you something?" He says as we begin moving again.

"You just did. But yes." I answer. We stop right next to the entrance to my private room.

"Why do you have a private room? I've known you our entire lives. You just don't strike me as the too good to share a dorm room type."

"It's personal." Why did he have to ask the one question I can't answer?

"Fine, whatever, you're here. So I'm done." He shakes his head in annoyance and walks off.

After days of hiding out and debating I am forced to make a decision the next to Chance corners me. I can't put my parents through any more suffering, so I agree to be his girlfriend.

The thought makes me so sick I spend the entire following night throwing up. When I finally fall asleep it is nearly sunrise.

"_You can't catch me." I run through the trees around my grandparents' house. Several of us are playing tag. I'm running from James as he chases me._

"_Lennix, we're going too far. We aren't supposed to go past the clearing!" James shouts as I continue on past our boundary._

"_If you're too afraid, then I win." I shout laughing as I continue running._

"_I'm not afraid of anything." He follows me._

_My dress catches on something and as I pull it rips making me lose my balance. I roll down a small hill and land in a creek. My arms and legs are all scratched up and my dress is ruined._

"_Lennix!" James manages to run down the hill without falling. "You're hurt."_

"_I'm fine."_

"_You always say that when you aren't." He observes as he helps me to my feet._

"_I didn't know there was a creek back here. I've never come this far." I ignore his previous statement._

"_We aren't supposed to come this far. We're going to be in trouble." He helps my climb back up the hill and together we begin walking back towards the burrow._

"_Sometimes the things we aren't supposed to do are the most fun." I smile._

"You're dating Chance Henderson?" Lucas pulls me aside after class the week of Halloween. "And I hear you have been for a couple weeks now?! I'm your bloody twin Lennix. This is something you tell me."

"I've been busy." It's a lie. I've been avoiding my brothers and avoiding Chance. I've successfully managed to spend as little time with him as possible. Every time he comes near me my skin crawls. And all he does is parade me around his creepy friends. During the three evenings I have been forced to spend time with him I've returned to my room to take a scalding hot shower. I feel awful.

"Why Henderson? He's a fucking creep." Lucas looks skeptical. He's smart. He knows it means something that I didn't tell him.

"There you are Red" I cringe at the name Chance has decided to call me and I stiffen when he wraps an arm around my waist. "We're heading out for a walk around the lake" The way he smiles at me makes me sick to my stomach.

"That's right, we should get going. I'll see you later Lucas." I plaster the biggest smile I can manage on my face before letting Chance guide me away.

"What did he want?" Chance snarls once we are outside of the castle.

"He's my twin. He likes to know what is going on." I cringe as his grip around me tightens.

"What did you tell him?"

"Nothing; I told him nothing."

We stop suddenly near a large tree and he pushes me up against it. All of the wind leaves my lungs and I'm sure a bruise is spreading across my back.

"Good." He kisses me forcefully on the mouth. Everything about this moment feels wrong. I feel dirty just being here. I try to break free but his hands on my shoulder keep me frozen in place. Wonderful, a couple more bruises to add to my ever growing collection these days.

It's close to curfew as I make my way back to my room. I just want a shower to wash the scent of him off of me. But there is someone waiting for me outside of my room.

"Henderson? Really?" James is leaning against the wall with one eyebrow raised at me.

"Go away Potter." I brush past him but he puts a hand on my shoulder to stop me. I wince involuntarily. I've been had.

"Hurt your shoulder Malfoy?" He drops his hand.

"I'm fine."

"We both know better."

"Don't just…don't" My voice catches as I step into my room and leave him alone in the hall.

_Every bone in my body hurts. My skin feels as if it is on fire. I want to scream but I won't. I am a master at hiding the pain._

"_You look awful." James observes sitting down next to me. Our whole family is on vacation together. We are both eleven and heading off to Hogwarts soon._

"_I'm fine."_

"_Lennix." _

"_You're not always right James Potter. Why must you follow me around all the time? Go away." I am too harsh and I know it. But I won't break this charade for anything. No one will see me suffer. I am stronger than that._

"_Well sorry for caring. You're turning into a brat."_

"_And you're turning into an annoyance."_

I don't leave my room at all on Halloween. I know everyone is in Hogsmeade or sitting around eating candy. I sleep most of the afternoon only pulling myself from bed because the feast is mandatory. I can tell looking in the mirror that I am running a fever. I splash some cool water on my face and will it to go away.

My suffering will end soon. I have to keep reminding myself of this. No more playing the part. No more refusing to get close to people. No more anything. I will be at peace.

"Are you stalking me?" I question when I run straight into James when I go to leave me room. Instead of answering he brushes past me into the room. I shut the door and turn to face him. "This is my room, get out. We're going to be late for the feast."

"What is going on with you? And don't pull that I'm fine crap. I know better. You can tell me or I can mention that something is off to my mother. She will contact your mother because I know something is going on."

"James, leave, you don't want to know."

"Try me." He takes a step closer to me.

I wave my wand and the charms fall away again. For several moments he stands with his mouth hanging open just staring at me.

"It's genetic but can only be passed onto a daughter. Because of that it doesn't work the same as the original curse. It's slow and incurable."

"How slow?"

"Not slow enough. I'll never turn sixteen." I sigh.

He takes another step closer to me and reaches a hand out to touch my hair.

"You're…"

"A freak"

"No, beautiful; it's a scary beautiful. Why do you hide this?"

"People panic when they see the markings of this curse. It's better for everyone this way."

"Your parents know?"

"Yes and so do yours."

"You were just going to drop dead and then maybe they would tell us why?" There is an emotion in his eyes that I just don't understand.

"I don't know." Up close he is really good looking. My skin doesn't crawl like when Chance is around.

It only takes a moment for something to shift. And even less for him to press his lips to mine. It feels like electricity is dancing over my skin and it's addictive. The kiss deepens and the feast is long forgotten when we fall back onto my bed. He goes to run a hand through my hair and a second shift occurs. He pulls away quickly and we are both catching our breath.

"You're hot." He whispers.

"Um thanks." I'm not sure why he chooses this moment to say something like that.

"No, I mean you're skin. It's burning hot. Is that normal?" He is still laying basically on top of me.

I try to say something but the lack of oxygen makes me lightheaded. I nod slowly and close my eyes for a moment. When I open them again, he is still starring down at me.

"We shouldn't be doing this." I whisper.

"Once a long time ago, a little girl told me that sometimes the things that we aren't supposed to do are the most fun. That's all we are doing. We are just having a little fun." He smirks and captures my lips once again.

Later, when I'm all alone, I can still feel the heat of his lips against mine. No harm in having just a little fun.


	2. Attachment Is Overrated

**I Swear**

**Ch 2: Attachment Is Overrated**

**Disclaimer: See Ch 1**

_Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother_

_She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors_

_Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be_

_Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby_

Monday morning doesn't start out well. My fever has been running on and off all weekend. And while I'm desperately trying to avoid it, I know by lunch that it is time to make a trip to the hospital wing.

Madam Loraine, the schools healer, knows how sick I am so she doesn't ask any questions when I lay down on one of the beds while waiting for her to finish with another patient. When she comes over to me she sits down on the empty bed next to mine.

"I have to say, I was expecting to see you sooner this year, Lennix." Her voice is soft and pitying. I hate it but I do my best to ignore it. "What's going on today?"

"I can't shake this fever. Can you just give me something for it? I really don't want to miss potions today." It's a long shot. I know she won't break from protocol. And her protocol is to keep me here for twenty four hours and contact my parents. My stomach knots nervously before she even replies.

"You know your mother will kill me." They are good friends and have all worked together.

"She doesn't need this. Neither of them needs this. I don't want to worry them every time I spike a fever. It's normal. It happens all the time. It's almost over, can we just spare them as much pain as possible." It's a shot in the dark but I'll take it.

"We'll see how high the fever is then go from there, okay?" It's not a flat out no, I'll take it. "It's low for you, so I guess we can strike a deal. I'll give you something now. If the fever comes back anytime within the next three days, You have to come back and I have to contact your parents."

"I can live with that" I down the potion she hands me and am able to slip into potions right on time. I take my place next to Temperance but not before noticing that James is watching me curiously from across the room.

"Cutting it close, Miss Malfoy?"

"Sorry Professor Zambini." I smile innocently. He raises an eyebrow at me but shakes his head in amusement and begins his lesson.

"What is going on? It's not like you to almost be late for a class. You're always early." Temperance asks when we begin working on the assignment.

"I had a headache. I was in the hospital wing getting something for it. That's not a crime is it?" I smirk cutting up one ingredient.

"No, but you've also not come to Hogsmeade at all this year."

"There have only been two weekends so far. I've been there a hundred times. I'll go when I feel like it. Also not a crime"

"Then there is your choice in boyfriend. He's such a creeper. I didn't even know you liked him."

"Well I do, so can you please help with this and quit acting like my mother."

"Fine, but just know that I don't believe you one bit. And eventually I'll figure it out."

James and I spend the rest of the week finding random places to make out. We never talk about it. Just randomly pull each other into some secluded place. And publically we act cold towards each other like always.

I manage to keep Chance happy. I spend all of my free time with him and he is unaware of what is going on when he is not around. Just like James has no clue about the ever growing collection of bruises covering my body.

It's an exhausting balancing act, especially for someone like me.

I make a point of venturing into Hogsmeade the following weekend. I stay close to my family. Amanda and Tristan head straight for the three broomsticks. Gregory and Logan are deep in conversation while we wander through the snow. Lucas and James are both unusually quiet. Temperance keeps a watchful eye on Aston as we make our way through the crowded streets.

"No boyfriend today, Lennix?" Temperance raises an eyebrow.

"Nope" I answer shortly. The wind picks up and I wrap my cloak closer to my body. Lucas wraps an arm over my shoulder and I lean into the warmth of my brother's chest.

"Why not?" She presses.

"Is it now some sort of crime to spend time with family? I wanted to be will you today so I decided not to be with him."

"Why not just have him join us?"

"That wouldn't be a good idea." I catch the expression on James's face out of the corner of my eye and almost unsuccessfully manage not to smirk. That would go over so well.

"Why not?"

"Merlin, Temperance, you sound like my sisters. Everything is why, why, why with them." James rolls his eyes at her and I can't help but laugh. We catch each other's eyes for moment before looking away. Too long of a glance and we will be given away.

"Why is it that you care whether or not I am pestering her? Last time I checked the two of you haven't been friends in a long time." Temperance spins around stopping to stand directly in front of James.

"Lay off Temperance, you're worse than the reporters from the Prophet." Gregory interjects,

"That's good. One day, I'll be the best reporter they have." She smiles.

"Find someone else to investigate in the meantime then." I laugh picking up a ball of snow and throwing it at her.

"Hey!" She squeals and picks up another ball of snow. I manage to duck just in time and it hits Lucas square in the face.

That's all it takes for an all-out snowball war to begin.

When I return to my room at the end of the day, all I want is a hot shower and to curl up in bed. But when I step into my room I am shocked to learn that I am not alone.

"James! Bloody hell, you're going to give me a heart attack." I jump when I notice him sitting in one of the chairs in front of the fire.

"Wouldn't want to cause you an untimely death," He frowns waving his wand at me. I know what he has done. He is oddly fascinated by my true appearance. "You shouldn't hide this. It's one of the most tragically beautiful things ever."

"I'd scare all the children." I step closer to him, tossing my cloak and gloves onto the empty chair next to him.

"I'm pretty positive that my sisters would think it was cool." He stand and walks over to me.

"Why are you lurking in my room without my permission?" I change the subject. The real reason none of the children have seen me like this is because then my parents would have to explain. And explaining to young children that someone is dying is very difficult.

"Because I have been waiting all day to do this" He picks up a stand of blue hair and twirls it in his fingers as he presses his lips to mine.

"Oh really?" I deepen the kiss and all talking ceases. Somehow in the low glow of the fire we make our way to my bed.

Without ever really coming up for air we manage to pull each other's clothes off. When it does happen, I am grateful for the darkness that allows the bruises to hide in plain sight.

"Have you ever done this before?" James asks trying to catch his breath. From what I can see of his face he looks nervous.

"Have you?"

"No."

"Me neither."

"Do you want to? We can stop here."

"Yes and shut up." I pull his lips down to mine silencing his questions.

When morning dawns and sunlight spills across my room, I realize that James is still lying in bed next to me fast asleep. I manage to untangle myself from him and slip out of bed. I dress myself as quickly as possible while watching to make sure he doesn't wake up. Luckily he doesn't stir until I sit back down on the bed.

"You're wearing clothing." He notices pulling himself up to sit leaning against the pillows.

"You're not." I answer staying where I am. No matter how much I would love to repeat the previous night, I am not stupid. He can't see me naked now. He would actually be able to see me naked. And there are questions that would push our fun right into the serious category.

"Are you okay?" He shifts closer to me on the bed.

"I'm perfectly okay, just hungry. I was going to head down to the great hall and get some breakfast. I figure it is better that no one sees us together." I smile, hoping he is convinced by my reasoning for being dresses already.

"That's true. I should probably get back to my house before someone notices I'm not there." He kisses me on the forehead and runs a hand through my hair before pulling away.

Somewhere deep inside, something shifts and I am suddenly sad when his warmth leaves my side. I brush it off as the after effect of having sex.

Twice more in the next week, James and I managed to steal away to my room in the night. Every time, I find it harder to watch him leave.

During the days I find myself thinking about him more. And our usual jabs at each other no longer hold my interest. It's becoming harder to keep up the façade of hate when neither of us feels it anymore.

It's nearing the end of November and my many worlds are starting to overlap. My school work is getting sloppy and I keep falling asleep in class.

One day after my last class I head straight for my room. I am so tired all I want to do is sleep. I don't even make it halfway there when James pulls me aside in an empty corridor.

"They're thinking of contacting your parents." He warns.

"Who?"

"My mom, Hermione, Blaise, and Luna; I overheard them talking about it during lunch. They are beginning to notice something. Your grades are slipping and you're sleeping in class. Maybe you and I should stop hooking up for a while. You need to sleep and study." He looks genuinely concerned and my heart sips a nervous beat at his suggestion.

"More sleep isn't going to keep me awake more. My body is tired. No amount of sleep will fix that."

"You could use that time to study then." He suggests.

"But you are so much more fun." I smirk and lean up to kiss him. He deepens the kiss and momentarily we get lost in the moment.

I have to break away when my lungs run out of oxygen. When we pull away I strt coughing an can't seem to catch my breath.

"Lennix?" He sounds worried.

"I'm fine" I choke out before finally getting it together. "I'm going to go take a nap and study. I'll see you later, right?"

"Yes, I'll be around later." He sighs. "You are becoming quite the bad habit miss Malfoy."

"Same goes for you Mr. Potter."

I am smiling when I approach my room but it quickly fades away when I see Chance leaning against the wall. He looks angry.

"It seems you've been holding out on me love." He wraps his fingers around my arm pushing me up against the wall. "James Potter, really?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about." I lie.

"I hate being lied to. I always knew you were a little whore. If you'll put out for him, you should put out for me as well." He closes in on me. And presses his lips to mine. I fight the urge to be sick when he begins running his hand up my leg. That's it. I won't be the victim. I will not.

I thrust my knee into his genital as hard as I possibly can and he falls away from me onto the ground.

"Fuck off, asshole. I'm not your girlfriend. And I sure as hell won't be your whore." I quickly make my way into my room.

I feel gross just from having him touch me so I quickly peel my uniform off before heading into my bathroom.

I stand in the shower until the water runs cold before getting out and wrapping a towel around me. Once in my bedroom, I sit down on the bed with every intention of getting back up to get dressed in just a moment.

But my eyelids are heavier than I would like and I quickly fall into sleep.

I jump up startled when I hear the door to my room open and close.

"What the hell?" James is staring at me with a horrified expression on his face. It takes a few seconds for me to realize my towel had fallen when I jumped up.

"James…" I know he knows and that is dangerous. His face slowly moves from confusion to angry clarity and he turns around heading out of my room. "James!"

I throw on clothes as fast as I can and leave my room. He isn't in the corridor anymore and I know he has headed down to Slytherin house. I hurry through the castle. It is dangerous close to curfew.

I'm thankful when I reach Slytherin and know the password. No one bats an eye when I step into their common room. I've been here before. Logan is reading a book in the corner and when Tristan notices me and nudges him on the arm, he looks up.

"Did James come through here?" I ask them when I approach.

"Yea, he headed up to the dorms about two minutes ago. He looked pissed. Lennix, what did you do to him?" Logan looks disapproving but his expression changes as another younger boy comes running from their dorms looking horrified.

"They're going to kill each other!" He hurries over to Tristan.

"Who?"

"Potter and Henderson. Potter just walked up to him and punched him."

I don't wait for my brother or Tristan before I go running up the stairs. The sound of things being broken leads me to the correct room. I stop frozen in the doorway.

"What the bloody hell are you two doing?" Tristan yells when him and Logan appear behind me. "Break it up."

Neither of them listen and their fight is getting dangerous as they have now pulled out their wands.

"James!" He freezes at my voice. He hadn't realized that I am here.

"Go back to your room Lennix!" He doesn't even turn to look at me before composing himself. Luckily neither of them is aiming well and most of their spells hit the walls or furniture.

"Enough!" I nearly jump out of my skin when Blaise appears behind us.

Both boys stop and turn to face the professor. Each is sharing in identical bruises all over their faces. James is still shaking in anger and he doesn't even look at me.

"Every person in this room is coming with me."

Silently we all follow Blaise from Slytherin house up to the Headmistress's office.

"Lennix, Logan stay here." Blaise points to a bench outside of the office as he leads his son followed by James and Chance into the office.

"Why do I have a feeling that you have something to do with this?" Logan asks but I remain silent. I just stare at my bare feet realizing that I forgot to put any shoes on before leaving my room.

It is quite a while later when Tristan emerges leading Chance away from us and towards the hospital wing.

"You two can go in now." Tristan says before disappearing around the corner.

I'm not really shocked when I realize that both James's and our parents are standing in McGonagall's office.

"Since neither of the two that were fighting will tell us anything, I'm going to assume one of you knows what is going on." McGonagall looks tired and aggravate. I can't believe that neither James nor Chance has said anything.

"I have no clue what is going on. He showed up then she came looking for him." Of course Logan will sell me out.

"Miss Malfoy do you know why James would find it to be a good idea to attack another student?" When I remain silent she sighs. "You two do realize that attacking another student is grounds for expulsion. As of right now it appears as though Mr. Potter will be expelled."

"So I'll be tossed out but that piece of garbage will be allowed to stay here and abuse some other girl?!" James stands up knocking the chair over he is sitting in. Immediately he realizes that he has just told the room exactly what they were fishing for.

"What girl was Mr Henderson supposedly abusing Mr Potter?" McGonagall has no idea.

"Ow, Logan, what the hell?" I didn't notice him shift closer to me and grab my arm.

"That shouldn't hurt" His anger now mimics James. Slowly the entire room shifts from confusion to clarity. "Wait how did James know but Lucas and I didn't?"

I choose this moment to stare down at my bare feet. I know that if I look up into my mother's face, I will cry. I promised I wouldn't hurt her anymore and yet here we are.

"I saw him, earlier." James is lying and I know it but it's the only explanation either of us is willing to admit to. "Then I confronted her about it"

"Is this true?" I can hear the tears in my mother's voice. All I can do is nod. I hate this feeling.

"What happens now?" Azlyn has stepped to stand next to her son.

"Now, the ministry will step in and investigate. My Potter you will serve a month of detention. You're actions however noble, were gone about in the incorrect manor. I do not condone violence. You are all dismissed. Get some sleep."

"What'll happen to Henderson?" Logan asks.

"In the morning, he'll be expelled. And the ministry will take him away to investigate his memories. Then he'll likely head off to Azkaban."

"We should have kept you home." My father speaks for the first time once James has been led towards the hospital wing by his parents. "You would be safe there."

"I would still be dying there. The location doesn't matter. The outcome will be the same regardless."

"Lennix" Logan warns.

"I'm sorry. I'm just really tired, can I go now?" I take a deep breath and look up at my parents. My mother is staring over my head, lost in some dark memory. My father has one arm wrapped protectively around her waist. He is looking at me, concerned. I feel like he is also reliving something awful. "I'm fine. Go home. I'll see you for Christmas."

"Are you sure, maybe it's time." My mother brings herself back to present day and looks unsure of herself.

"I'm sure. I'd tell you if it was time. I promise." It's a lie. But it's for their benefit. I'd rather die here than have my mother watch me pass away. She has suffered too much.

"We should go home." My father shifts his concern from me to her. Something is going on between them. I know it. But I'm not asking if they are not telling.

We say our goodbyes and head our separate ways. Once finally in my bed I fall into sleep very quickly.

I avoid James until the following weekend. I have no desire to go to Hogsmeade so I don't even bother getting out of bed Saturday morning.

"Is this how it's going to be now?" James kicks off his shoes and climbs in bed next to me.

"I'm tired, James."

"And I've waited a week to have this conversation, so we are going to talk." He pulls the covers off of me and I am now fully awake.

"Damnit James" I go turn to him with every intention of shoving him off the bed, but I am frozen in place when I realize he is examining the healing bruises on my arms and legs.

"Do they hurt?"

"Not anymore"

"Are you okay?"

"Yes."

"Then it was worth it." He lays down on the pillow beside me and pulls the blankets back over both of us. "I would have killed him if you hadn't followed me."

"Why?" I move my head onto his chest, the warmth radiating from his body is comforting. "It's not like you and I are dating."

"All I could think about is how unfair life is to you. You had no part in your own fate and you'll die long before your time. Then an ass like him comes along and he gets one hundred years. No, fuck that. You deserve to be here, he doesn't"

"That's the nicest thing you have ever said to me."

"Don't get used to it Malfoy." He laughs.

"I wouldn't dare, Potter."

"Now, since we are both here, I feel a bit overdressed."

"I do believe you are." The seriousness is now forgotten as we begin peeling away each other's clothes.

"This is the best way to spend the weekend."

"I wholeheartedly must agree with you."

"_There you are." I'm standing in the forest face to face with the girl again._

"_What do you want?" I don't understand why I am here again._

"_Find your name etched in stone. It's the first step to change your fate; then a stone to raise the name. Be ready though to pay the price, to live a long a healthy life."_

I wake startled and fall out of bed.

"Ow, fuck"

"Is this how you wake up in the morning?" James laughs peering over the bed. I can tell it is late afternoon by the light coming in from the window.

"No, it's not. I just had a weird dream."

"Tell me about it. It has to be good if you fell out of bed."

I explain the dream to him as he helps me up off the ground.

"I know it sounds stupid but I think it means something."

"It means there is a way to save your life." There is something in his eyes as he speaks an emotion that I am not sure of.

"I might be wrong."

"But what if you aren't? What if you could save yourself?"

"I don't know. I've never thought about it." I wrap myself back up in the blanket.

"We should at least try to figure out what she is talking about."

"Fine, but don't get attached to the idea of me being al magically healed or something. There isn't always a happy ending."

"I won't"

"Good"


	3. Beginning Of The End

**Ch.3 : Beginning of The End**

**Disclaimer: See Ch. 1**

_All of these lines across my face_

_Tell you the story of who I am_

_So many stories of where I've been_

_And how I got to where I am_

"Check again."

"I've checked the labs three times."

"Check again."

"Ginny, it isn't a mistake. You know that." Calvin is sitting at his desk across from me.

"This can't be happening."

"It is"

"It shouldn't"

"I know"

"I can't"

"I know"

"What do I do?"

"I don't know"

"What if?"

"I don't know."

"I should talk to Draco."

"I know"

I walk out of the office. I'm on auto pilot. My brain is running away from me as my body guides me to my husband's office. He is doing paperwork when I drop myself down in the chair across from his desk.

"I thought you were having lunch with Calvin."

"I did."

"Is something wrong?"

"Yes" He drops his pen and looks up at me. His face loses several shades as he takes in my appearance.

"Is it Lennix?"

"No, it's me."

"Are you sick?"

"No"

"Then what is it?"

"I'm pregnant."

Hours later I am sitting alone in our giant bed, I can hear Draco downstairs. I'm not sure what it is that he is doing but twice now I have heard glass being shattered. He hasn't said a word to me since I visited his office this afternoon.

Our first pregnancy was a trial. And it lured us into a false sense of security that was shattered rather quickly.

"_Well now I understand why the baby's heartbeat has been all over the place." Calvin laughs. He has only been checking the heartbeat so far; things have been going rather well. Today he has opted for an ultrasound to figure out something that is puzzling him._

"_What is it?" I am not worried. I figure if it was bad, he wouldn't be laughing._

"_It's twins. The second baby must have been hiding at your first ultrasound."_

"_Twins?" Draco asks. For a moment I am afraid that he is going to drop Logan but he recovers quickly._

"_Yes, and since you are sixteen weeks I can tell you their gender."_

"_Please do, I don't like surprises during pregnancy." I tell him._

"_Well baby number one is definitely a boy and our hidden little one is a girl"_

_My heart stops. I know what having a girl means. And just like that the burn sets in._

I haven't been to Hogsmeade in a few months. I come once a year, to the cemetery in June. But today, I head into town.

Luna, Azlyn, Pansy and Hermione are all sitting at a table waiting for me when I arrive.

"You don't come to Hogsmeade." Azlyn's voice is somber. She knows I only make this trip on Merci's birthday. So my arrival today is a big deal.

"I'm assuming that is why you all managed to clear your schedules so we can have lunch?"

"Maybe" Luna answers.

"I'm pregnant." I sigh.

"You're what?" Hermione chokes on her drink.

"You would think that I wouldn't be surprised. My entire life, since fifteen, has been full of cruel jokes of fate." I pause "But I was, I had Calving check the blood work three times. I'm due June sixteenth."

"How is Draco taking it?" Pansy looks concerned.

"Not well, my last pregnancy was awful. And then there is always the possibility…" I can't finish the thought.

"That it is a girl?" Azlyn finishes for me. I hate that I have to desperately wish for more sons. Every girl I give birth to will share the same fate.

"Yes"

"What are you going to do if it is?"

"I don't know. Right now we don't know what we are going to do tomorrow. Every moment is uncertain these days." I blink back the tears swimming in my vision. I don't need to explain what I am referring to, they know. "I just wish things were different. I wish I could be happy. I wish that Lennix had more time. "

"I know"

_I'm sitting in the nursery. Logan is sleeping soundly in his crib. My skin is on fire and the only reason I'm not screaming in pain is in fear of waking my sleeping son._

_My hands are resting over my stomach. The only comfort that is getting me through the suffering is the constant motion of the two lives growing inside me. I can tell them apart. My son is stronger and more active. My daughter is more fragile and gentle. _

_Calvin has made me no promises. Not this time around. We can only hope that I can hold on until they are ready. We can only hope that the babies make it until they are ready. And my daughter… we can only hope that the book was wrong. But so far it hasn't been._

_She has been sentenced to death since the day she was conceived. My past has killed her. _

_And I will bury a second child._

"Ginny?" I can hear the tension in Draco's voice. It is late afternoon and I am in bed. I left work early and didn't tell him. He's been polite lately, too polite. "Why didn't you come tell me when you came home?"

"I didn't want to bother you." I know that I sound awful. I've been throwing up all day. I've never brushed my teeth this much.

"We've been married almost seventeen years, why would you think that I would be bothered by you?" He sits down on the edge of the bed.

"You've been distant."

"I'm sorry. I just don't know how to feel about everything that is going on." His eyes are lost and sad. How many children will we have to bury before we will be spared?

"I don't know how to feel about it either. I feel so lost." I pull myself up until I am leaning against the pillows and looking straight at him. "How do we tell Lennix that we are having a baby she'll never meet? How do we bury another child? How do we just start over again after that? I want to be happy that we are lucky enough to get pregnant again. I want to carry this baby to term, but part of me just thinks it would be easier if I didn't. And then I hate myself for letting the thought even cross my mind. That leads to wondering what we do if we have another girl. I don't know if I can do this a third time. Hell, I don't know if I can do it a second time." I'm sobbing by the end of my rant.

Draco wraps his arms around me, pulling me close to his chest. He doesn't say anything and we just sit together like that for the longest time.

_It's June sixth. _

_I'm thirty weeks pregnant._

_Draco is at work. Today is his birthday. Tonight we will have cake but that is all the celebrating we will do this year._

_Logan is with my parents. I can't care for him on my own during the day anymore._

_I am in bed. Usually I visit Merci's grave in Hogsmead today. But I am too weak to make the trip._

_It's hard to move and I am constantly burning, but I refuse to let Draco hover over me. I am okay in bed._

_It's still early in the day, before nine, when I wake up. I swing my legs off the bed and stand. I intend to head to the bathroom. I only make it two steps when I stop. My water has broken._

_Draco answers on the first ring when I call him._

"_What's wrong?" He knows I won't bother him during the day for nothing._

"_My water broke."_

"_I'm on my way."_

There is only one week until the children are out of school for the holidays. The whole family is headed to our beach house. It will be nice to get out of the cold and snow.

My morning sickness is slowly fading, and according to my first ultrasound the baby is developing just fine. I'll be able to discover the gender in early January. For now, my mind is plagued with so many what ifs it's insane.

"We need a bigger house" Draco sits across from me on the sofa. It is late and we have both just gotten home from work.

"No, I can't leave this house. I am not starting over like Lennix never existed when she is gone. I am not …" Sobbing again. "She's going to think…"

"I'm sorry, we won't move. I hadn't even thought about the fact that Lennix wouldn't be with us." He moves closer. "She isn't going to think we are replacing her or starting over like she was never even here. She is smarter than that."

"I can't help it. These damn hormones make everything so much harder."

"Hormones or not, nothing about this next year is going to be easy."

"I know."

"We'll find a way. We always do."

"It's getting harder to believe you. Every time we handle the last heartbreak, there is another one to knock us down." I take a deep breath and stare out the window at the snow. "Maybe just aren't meant to have a happy ending"

"Ginny"

"No, I was raped. I healed and came to terms with it. Then I lost Merci. I healed. Then I lost you, a baby, and almost my life. I healed. Then we lost several more babies. I healed. Then we had Lennix. And for fifteen years we have slowly watched her fade away. I have been preparing to figure out a way to heal for years. Finally, there is this. A baby that years ago would be a wonderful and surprising blessing. But now, it's another tragedy waiting to happen. I'm tired of healing. I'm tired of grieving. I'm tired."

"_Baby Boy is here" I hear Calvin announce from the other side of the drapes. I hear a weak cry and he is shown to me briefly before a team of healers whisk my premature baby away._

"_And we have a girl" Calvin's voice is less excited this time. I wait and no cry comes. All I see are the healers taking her away before I ever lay eyes on her._

"_Go with them!" I turn to Draco. I'm sure we are wearing matching looks of horror on our faces. I can't breath. I've had a baby who didn't cry before. And I buried that baby days later. This can't be happening. I knew it could, but it can't_

"_Calvin what's wrong with her?" I sob as he finishes closing my incision in silence._

"_Just stay calm Gin, they are taking good care of her."_

"_Is she alive?"_

"_Ginny"_

"_No, tell me Calvin."_

"_I don't know, she wasn't breathing." I can hear his voice crack. He is crying. Calvin never cries. _

_And I know in that moment; I will never have another baby._

Two days to go before I have to face my children. I am sitting at my desk at work doing paperwork when Calvin comes to visit.

"How are you?" He sits in a chair across from my desk.

"You know the answer already." I put my pen down and look up at him. I know I look awful.

"I do. You know you don't have to carry this pregnancy."

"I am in my second trimester."

"You are a medical risk. It's legal. Frowned upon but legal."

"I've lost too many babies to get rid of this one by choice."

"You might…"

"Don't finish that sentence if you value you're life Calvin. I know I might lose the baby regardless. I know it may be a girl and I will repeat the hell I have been in for fifteen years. I know my body may not be able to handle it. I'm not in my early twenties anymore." I am angered by the tears that fill my eyes.

"I'm sorry, love" He sighs "I'd do anything if it meant you didn't have to go through this again."

"You told me back then that I probably wouldn't be able to conceive again. And for fifteen years that held true. What is different now?"

"I don't know. You shouldn't have conceived again. It should have been impossible."

"Clearly fate is too damn cruel for that."

Hours later I am sitting at home packing for our vacation. The children will be home for one night on Saturday before the whole giant family heads for the beach house. On Saturday night all of the adults will inform the children that we are having another baby. And we will tell ours. I close my suitcase and make my way down the hall to Lennix's bedroom. It's clean and untouched thanks to Laurel but I can still see Lennix at her desk reading or asleep in her bed. All of the pictures of her are with the glamour that keeps the curse hidden. Will this be how I remember her? Or will I see the blue hair, eyes, and symbols that mark her doom?

I sit down on her bed with one hand resting on my stomach.

"This is your sister's room little one. She's the bravest person I've ever met. Her whole life has been lived with an expiration date, and yet she refuses to act like it. She lives her life like any other teenager. She's beautiful inside and out. And I pray she hangs around long enough to meet you." I lay down on the bed and cry.

It is dark and much later when I wake to find my husband asleep in the chair from Lennix's desk that he has pulled next to the bed. His face looks troubled and tired. The life we have had is not the one he promised to me and I know it wears on him that has no control over the repeated sadness that fills our lives. We both feel older than we are. It has been that way since I was fifteen. Just once, I wish that we could actually have our happily ever after.

But it won't happen.

It's all we have not to fall apart. We've come so close to losing it all.

"_How many more times are we going to do this to her?" Draco is rocking Lucas in his arms as we argue in Lennix's hospital room. They are twelve weeks old. Lucas has been home for three. Lennix's hasn't come home at all. She has been revived more times than either of us can count. And the stress is eating away._

"_She's a fighter Draco."_

"_She's a baby, whose body can't handle this. It's time."_

"_No, I will not give up on her."_

"_You don't come home. I can't keep taking care of Logan and Lucas alone all the time. They need you." He stands placing the now sleeping Lucas in the little crib with his sister. The healers encourage us to keep them together as much as possible. Maybe she can share his strength._

"_She needs me more." I step closer to him and the crib._

"_She is going to die. We just need to accept it instead of torturing her."_

_I slap him across the face without thinking about it. I am horrified at myself. But I won't admit it._

"_Get out!"_

_He lifts Lucas away from his twin and turns to leave without saying another word._

_For days we don't speak, I leave the room when he brings Lucas and Logan to visit. When I do go home, I sleep in the twins' nursery. _

_Slowly Lennix gains strength. And two weeks later she gets to come home. Finally away from the hospital, I find the strength to go to my husband._

"_I'm sorry I slapped you." I sit down on our bed after all the kids are asleep._

"_I'm sorry too. I should have had more faith in her. I'm just tired of watching you watch her suffer."_

"_We are going to have to watch her suffer for the rest of her life, however short it may be."_

"_I know and I hate it"_

"_Me too"_

I stand reaching out to wake him as I do.

"Let's go to bed." He doesn't need an explanation as to why I am there. And I know why he was watching over me.

"Okay" He takes my hand and we head off to our room together.

Pansy joins me for lunch the next day with Lauren at her side. After we eat, Lauren follows my assistant to the nursery to look at all the brand new babies.

"Are you ready for tomorrow?" She asks while we are sitting in my office.

"Not really. I wish that the fact that they are teens was the only issue in all this."

" I understand. It would be easier if they found it weird that their mom got knocked up while they were teens."

"Nothing has been easy."

"I would give anything to make your life easier, Gin."

"I know."

"You're the strongest one of us. And I know that it wasn't by choice. If anyone can handle your life, it's you."

"If anyone had to handle my life, they would be strong too."

"I would have gone crazy long ago if I lived your life."

"Mommy, the babies are all so pretty." Lauren comes running into the office grinning widely. "Why don't you and daddy have more babies?"

"Because your father and I are perfectly happy with the three wonderful children we already have." She laughs at her daughter who turns to me.

"How about you Aunt Ginny, somebody needs to have a baby so I can hold it and play with it and love it." Her intentions are innocent, but my heart skips a beat regardless. Too many unknowns for this to be a happy time.

"Lauren you can't command other people to have a baby for you." Pansy reprimands her. "It's rude."

"I'm sorry Aunt Ginny. You don't have to have a baby if you don't want."

"Lauren"

"Sorry mom."

"I believe it is time for us to take out leave. I'll see you on Sunday Gin."

"Bye aunt Ginny."

"Bye Pansy. Bye Lauren."

I toss and turn all night long. The sun hasn't even risen when I am wide awake.

I sit in the kitchen for nearly an hour before Draco comes downstairs.

"Ginny, it's five in the morning. What are you doing?" He sits down next to me at the table.

"I couldn't sleep. They'll know something is up when you are the only one there to pick them up."

"I know, but we decided that it was for the best. You'll cry when you see Lennix. You told me this."

"I'm terrified to tell her. I shouldn't be. Lennix isn't one to throw a fit. She'll be happy for us. And if she isn't, she'll never tell us."

"Would you rather she did tell us."

"I don't know."

"Come back to bed. We don't have to be up for a few more hours."

"I can't sleep. Just come lay with me you don't have to sleep. I just don't want you sitting alone in the kitchen."

"Okay."

"She's strong."

"I know"

"She would never resent her younger sibling."

"She might resent me."

"She won't"

"How do you know?"

"I just do."


	4. Was Away The Sadness

**Ch.4 Wash Away The Sadness**

**Disclaimer: I don't own harry potter.**

**A/n: I'm not really getting much feed back on this story. So I'm not really motivated to keep writing. I will though. I just can't promise regular updates when I don't know if anyone is even reading it.**

_The sharp knife of a short life_

_Well, I've had just enough time_

_If I die young, bury me in satin_

_Lay me down on a bed of roses_

_Sink me in the river at dawn_

_Send me away with the words of a love song_

"It's after curfew James, what are you doing here?" I ask as he appears in my room while I am packing. "I told you I was keeping my pants on tonight."

"I know but I figured out the first part of the message."

"About finding my name written on stone or something?"

"Exactly, I feel like an idiot because it is so simple."

"Well what is it?" I close my suitcase and set it on my school trunk at the bottom of the bed.

"It's a gravestone. We are looking for the gravestone of someone whose name is the same as yours."

"So we have to find a gravestone with Lennix written on it?"

"That's what I'm guessing."

"And how do we do that? Are we supposed to just go to every graveyard in England?"

"Death records are public. I'll start looking over the holiday."

"Looking up records of dead people is not how most people spend their time at a beach house."

"I don't mind, and if it brings us closer to an answer then it is totally worth it. The beach will still be around next year."

"But I might not be." His face turns dark when I say it. But I know it is what he is thinking.

"Lennix" He reaches out and touches my arm. He has become so serious lately. And I fear we are both becoming too dependent on the idea that I can be saved.

"James" I whisper and hook my finger into one of the belt loops on his pants. I'll do anything to avoid this conversation again.

"I thought you said…" I press my lips to his to shut him up.

"Things change." I smirk and pull him towards the bed.

When I wake the next morning he is gone. I'm not upset; I know it would be difficult to pull it off this morning.

I shower slowly trying to ignore the ache in my chest. I feel like someone is pressing on my lungs and breathing is harder than it should be. I join the group heading for Hogsmeade just in time.

"You really are one for cutting things closely sis" Logan jokes. Beside him James smirks and winks at me when I turn around. I roll my eyes at him and am proud of myself when no one catches our interaction.

"I am so excited for the beach." Temperance smiles as she loops her arm around mine and leans her head against mine. She is beaming with excitement. The beach house is everyone's favorite spot. "You're warm, are you getting sick because that would be dreadful."

"I'm fine" I pull away just as we step out of the castle into the cold.

"I hope you aren't getting sick, because then you won't be able to go swimming" Lily says. "I would be so sad if I couldn't go swimming at the beach."

"Me too" Rose agrees.

"She's not getting sick girls." Lucas assures them. He is a good liar. We all are.

The train ride is long and boring and I don't miss the looks being given to me by Lucas the entire ride as I press my head against the cool window.

When the train stops, I feel my heart skip. Outside my father is standing alone. My mother never misses us coming home. Something is wrong. Logan and Lucas notice too and we pull away from our friends without saying goodbye.

"Where's mom?" Logan looks nervous.

"She's at home. She isn't feeling well."

"Is she sick?" Lucas worries.

"No, she's just feeling a bit off today." I don't miss the way my father's eyes never raise to meet mine. Something more is going on than our mother just not feeling well. And I am pretty sure that we all know it.

The ride home is quiet; not one of us is willing to ask what is really going on. My head is pounding and it's difficult to control my breathing so as not to give anything away.

When we step into our home we notice our mother sitting in the living room. As soon as she looks up at us her eyes fill with tears.

"Mom?" Logan goes to sit at her side and Lucas follows so they are surrounding her. They are definitely momma's boys. I however remain frozen on the spot. I have noticed something else that they haven't. She's gained weight. And it's all in her stomach.

"You're pregnant?" I force a smile to my lips. I know why she is so upset. Telling me they are having a baby when I am dying, hurts. I am hurt. I know it isn't intentional. I know my mom had several miscarriages before my brother was born. I know that she was told she would never have more children after me. I know this wasn't planned. But still it hurts.

Both Logan and Lucas freeze as they turn to our mother. She is just staring at me. We remain that way for several minutes before either of us breaks eye contact.

"I'm fifteen weeks." Her voice is hoarse. She has been crying for a while.

"That's wonderful" I am a wonderful liar. I hold my smile as I move past my brothers to wrap my arms around my mother. I hold her for a few more minutes while she sobs. "I am happy for you. You should be happy. All this crying isn't good for the baby."

I barely sleep at all that night. My emotions are starting to get to me. I've been prepared to die; I kept everything at a distance. But now, I am starting to crave more time.

My body won't last until June. I will never meet my youngest sibling and they will never know me. I want to live. I want more time. And I'm starting to have faith in something that I shouldn't.

We are the last of the family to arrive to the beach and my parents are surrounded by my cousins congratulating them and asking them questions. I slip out of the large crowd and climb the stairs to my room.

After tossing my bags on the bed, I open the doors to the balcony. I smile at the smell of the ocean. I love this secluded island. We visit here at least once a year; sometimes in the summer or spring. But this year we will be here for Christmas. It was my parents' idea. This will be my last trip; tears well up in my eyes at the thought.

"So, you're going to be a big sister? I suppose congratulations are in order." James shuts my bedroom door as he steps inside.

"Go away James" I don't mean what I say. I want to run to him and collapse against his warm chest. I want him to hold me while I cry. I want him. But that's not what I say.

He doesn't leave though. He walks up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist.

"I'm sorry." His voice is soft and I melt in his arms. I let him stay there while I cry for a while.

"Lennix!" Lucas's voice is close.

"Hide" I instruct James as he pulls away from me quickly.

"Where?"

"I don't know. Hide under the bed or something." Footsteps are now extremely close by. "Today is not the day I want to be busted."

He rolls under the bed just as my door opens and Lucas steps in.

"Have you seen James?"

"No, why would I know where Potter is?"

"I don't know." He sits on the bed and I try not to panic. James had better be able to hide well. "What is going on with you?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

"You've been so distant lately. Everyone is starting to notice." He sighs "Now is not the time for you to do this."

"When is the time for me to start distancing myself?" Suddenly I find myself very angry with my twin. "I'm going to die Lucas. I am going to die soon. It is easier for everyone this way."

He stands crossing the room to me very quickly before stopping inches in front of my face.

"Nothing is going to make this any damn easier, Lennix. Nothing is going to take the pain away when our parents bury you. Nothing is going to make walking past your room at home without you in it hurt any less. Nothing is going to fill the whole in our family where you should be. Nothing is going to make returning to school without you next year feel like anything less than some sort of twisted cruel joke to me. You are my twin. We've been together since conception and yet you seem to forget that I am going to lose you. I'm going to be left behind. I'd give anything to die in your place but I can't and it is unbearably painful. So, don't you pull that 'it's going to be easier this way' bull. It's isn't going to help anyone, least of all you." He takes a moment to catch his breath after his rant. "If you see James, tell him that his sisters are looking for him. Otherwise, lunch should be ready in about an hour."

I am frozen in place when James stands in front of me again.

"Lennix?"

"Go, you heard him; your sisters are looking for you."

"Lennix"

"Please just go"

This time he does what was asked of him and I am left alone. I fall onto my bed and close my eyes missing his warmth.

"There is nothing wrong with falling in love." My eyes shoot open and I sit up startled. There she is standing at the end of my bed. The girl from my dreams is in my room.

"I'm losing my mind."

"No you're not."

"Are you real?"

"Well not technically."

"So then I am hallucinating."

"Something like that."

"Wonderful, just bloody fucking wonderful"

"You're falling for him"

"No I'm not. And what would you know?"

"I'm from your head. I know everything about you."

"So you should know that I don't fall in love. I'm dying. Falling in love would be foolish."

"Or it could be the thing worth fighting for."

"I'm tired of fighting."

"And yet, you are both trying to solve the riddle."

"Why don't you just tell me what it means and save me some time."

"I can't do that. You have to change your fate."

"What if I don't want to?"

"Of course you do. You wouldn't have told him about it if you didn't want to try."

"Can't you just let me die in peace?"

"Not a chance."

"Wonderful."

Lunch is chaotic. All the children are yelling and making messes. All the parents are trying to control their children.

I stare at my plate pushing my food around. I am not hungry. And I'm sure no one has noticed when I stand, clear my plate and slip out silently.

The sound of the ocean relaxes me as I stroll down the beach. I drop into the sand not caring a bit if it gets all over my clothes.

Maybe an hour passes before I am joined by my father. He sits down next to me and stares out at the ocean.

"I knew you would be here." He smiles.

"It's so beautiful" I gesture to the water.

"Why do you think we keep coming back?" He laughs.

"We haven't been here in a while."

"I know. We haven't really had the chance."

"You don't really have the chance now. I know why we're here dad. You don't need to sugar coat things for me anymore. This will be my last trip. Mom knows it, you know it, and I know it." I sigh turning to look at him. He has a sad look in his eyes.

"It will probably be everyone's last trip here. I'm thinking about selling the house."

"Why? It's not like you need the money."

"It is just something I am thinking about. I'm not sure if coming back here will be easy for anyone…" He can't finish his sentence but I know what he is referring to.

"Logan learned to swim here. So did Lucas and I. We have spent hours playing in the sand that you and I are sitting on. Some of my best childhood memories came from this place. You can't deny my younger sibling the chance at some of those wonderful memories. It won't be easy, but it is what should be done. Don't take away from them because I am no longer here with you."

"When did you become so wise?" He wraps an arm over my shoulder and I lean my head into his chest.

"When you only have sixteen years, you don't bother yourself with being unwise. There just simply isn't enough time for that. Not much time for anything really." I sigh. I can feel the deep breath he takes. This topic is painful. Now more so than ever before my heart aches for what and who I will be leaving behind.

"I'd give my life, if it meant you could have more time." His voice is rough. I am sure that if I looked into his face there would be tears in his eyes.

"I know. You have given me everything I could ever possibly want or need that you could. There is nothing more you can do except make sure my sibling knows how awesome I was." I smile a little, holding back tears of my own. My father lets out a small laugh and the conversation turns back to happier topics before either of us has a complete breakdown.

Christmas comes and goes peacefully with James and me only sharing passing glances coming and going. And it isn't until after midnight on New Year's Eve when everyone has gone to sleep that we sneak out in the dark of night down to the beach together.

"I don't know about you but I am actually looking forward to going back to school. I always forget how chaotic it is when everyone gets together." James laughs as we sit down near the edge of the water. It is a full moon and the reflection on the water makes the night beautiful.

"You just want to get back to school so you can get laid again." I smirk.

"Well that too." He leans over crashing his lips into mine. I fall back into the sand as the kiss deepens.

"I am not sleeping with you on the beach. I do not need sand in inappropriate places." I whisper when he pulls away and reaches for the hem of my dress.

"You already have it in your hair." He laughs jumping up and moves so he is standing in the waves. "Join me"

"Not a chance" I roll my eyes at him.

"Wasn't asking" In one quick move he lifts me from the sand and carries me back into the water.

"You are going to pay for this Potter!" I shove him playfully as soon as he lets go of me.

"Oh really?" He smiles and grabs me by the hand, pulling me into his chest. "What kind of payment are we talking about?"

I raise my head up as if to kiss him. Then as soon as his guard is down I push him just enough that we both go tumbling into the water. Once we come back up for air he grabs me around the waist and his lips crash onto mine.

The entire world has fallen away from us and for right now nothing else matters. I am at peace. We have no idea how much time has passed when we collapse in the sand together, shivering.

"Happy New Year, Lennix"

"Happy New Year, James"

I place my head against his chest and listen to the rhythm of his steady beating heart. I want this moment to last forever.

"Lennix! James!" I sit up groggily. I'm still on the beach but the sun is in the sky. It is morning and we have fallen asleep. I turn my head towards the voice and realize that it is my father who is looking back and forth between James and me. My mother stands next to him with Harry and Azlyn. All share identical looks of shock.

"Busted" James whispers in my ear. I turn to look at him and realize that a small smile is playing on his lips.

"Wipe the grin, Potter. My brothers will know before the end of the day if my father doesn't kill you first." I whisper back. The smile fades as he stands and helps me to my feet.

"What the bloody hell is going on here?" I've never seen my father this angry before.

"We went swimming last night and must have fallen asleep on the beach." James deadpans. His tone is serious. He is unafraid.

"You went swimming in your clothes?" My mother places a hand on my father's arm and he relaxes just a bit.

"Well it wasn't planned or anything." James is calm. Far calmer than I expected him to be.

"What is going on between the two of you?" My father is looking straight at me.

I don't know what to say. What is going on between the two of us? I can't tell him that we are sleeping together. I open my mouth to speak, but I can't find words.

"Well uh…" James stumbles over his words and looks at me. We just stare at each other for a moment. Why haven't we decided what to tell people if we get caught?

"They're in love" Rory runs around her parents and launches herself into her brother's arms. "When two people kiss it means they are in love. I saw you last night kissing. I was thirsty so I came down stairs for water and I saw you through the window. You were laughing and kissing."

Both James and I are staring at his sister. Well damn, we aren't as careful as we thought. He recovers before I do; before our parents do.

"Just because two people kiss doesn't necessarily mean that they are in love." It hurts more than it should. Hot tears pool in my eyes threatening to spill. Damn him. I shouldn't care. We aren't together. This was just supposed to be a little fun. I blink the tears away and look up to meet my mother's eyes. She raises one hand beckoning me to her.

I leave James without hesitation. I don't look back; afraid he'll see the pain in my face. My mother wraps an arm around my shoulder and leads me into the house. My father follows close behind. We don't stop until we reach my room.

"We'll talk after you've had a shower. I've fallen asleep in the sand before. You're skin probably itches." She pulls my father by the arm out of the room.

Once I am in the shower I let myself slide down the wall until I am sitting in the hot water. It is there I finally let the tears fall.

"Damn you James Potter. Damn you."


End file.
